SO, as I sit outside, trying to even out my tan, I decided now would be a good time to do some blogging. I haven't done any in a while and I am in a weird mood tonight so I figure, getting my thoughts out is better than keeping them inside.
Idk why but I'm in a rather depressed state tonight. Yes, of course it has to do with my relationship, no I don't expect you to be surprised. It's not really depressed, more of confused and concerned. I am starting to get this feeling that the reason things with John have been so different lately are because we are hitting a relationship lull. I feel this way because we are not on the same page when it comes to anything. Lately, I have been very frustrated with him and where our relationship is going (we have gotten rather stagnant). I feel as though this is mostly on him. I am home now, we are able to see each other whenever we want, and yet, he doesn't seem to want anything. This isn't all the time either, it's about half the time. Half the time we will have an amazing day (like wednesday) and everything will be fun, and he is sweet and romantic. Then the other half (today) he doesn't seem to want to do anything, has no ideas as to what we should do, and then he disappears. Ok, it's a friday and he is with his friends, I get that, that's not what this is about. This is about how monday he tells me "I wish you weren't working so you could come disc golfing with me" then today "oh i'm gonna go disc golfing, i'll see you later". I'm off today, duh! Why is it that monday it's ok for me to come with you but today it's not. Is it that you honestly don't want me to come with you, and you just said it because you know it's waht I wanted to hear and couldn't happen anyway?
He told me today, he thinks I look into his words too much. I look too much into waht he is saying and do;t wake it at face value. My response? I'm a girl, that's waht we do. Am I wrong? Of course when he says something, Im going to look into it and interpret it and try and see every side of it. Whether it's something major or something minor. But it just feels like a lot of what has gone on lately is because he knows it's waht I want. Why is it that I get the feeling that half the stuff we do, he doesn't want to do at all?
The other day, we were out to dinner with Jess and Chris. At one point, the two couples were each having individual coinversations and ours was about going to the drive in on a friday. John asked "why does it have to be on a friday" and I said "because you and i usually close on saturdays so it works out". Then I said "is it really that big of a deal that I want one of your fridays, that you take a friday off from the guys and go out with me?" He didn't exactly convince me that it wasn't a big deal. To the contrary, the conversation got changed...is that weird?
Sometimes I just dont understand him. Maybe I'm not supposed to. But I'm getting concerned about where this summer is heading, where our relationship is heading. I'm worried that we are hitting too many bumps and not enough smooth road. And I also worry that he doesn't see this, and he isn't willing to work at it. I mean, we had this huge talk a week or so ago, and things seemed to get better. But now it's like it's going right back to where it was. He doesn't want to put in the effort that I am. He isn't willing to adapt to the changes we are facing due to the way summers go versus the school year. And he doesn't seem to get the fact that this fall we won't really be seeing each other because he is going to be teaching and I'm still gonna be in school.
Ya know, I have all these texts from him that I saved for the specific purpose of referring back to at some point to make myself feel better. I think I might type some out here, and hope that he reads it and sees what I'm talking about...
August 25th, 2010, 11:13pm--I trust you and I will do whatever it takes
August 25th, 11:16pm--I have nothing else to say other than of course I will be here for you. I will always be here for you
September 5th, 2010, 12:22pm--Thank you kasey. I haven't really been this happy in a very long time and talking to you makes me feel better no matter waht so thank you
October 1st, 2010, 11:30pm--I am not making fun, I want to hear what you have to say. I want to seewhats going on in your head and I want to tell you whats going on in mine
October 22nd, 2010, 4:58pm--Why not? I love you and that is my statement to you about how I may make mistakes and how I have done stupid stuff but I need you to be there for me and to be the one that is always there for me
October 28th, 2010, 4:37pm--The fact that I make you so happy is more motivating and encouraging than I could have ever imagined Kasey
November 10th, 2010, 1:12pm--Oh and by the way, I love you. I love your smile, I love the way you smell, and the way you walk. I love everything about you kasey lynn. I'm crazy about you
December 2nd, 2010, 9:51pm--You make me so happy you help me get through the day you keep me excited to come home at night and you make me look forward to the tomorrow where I can come home to you every day
December 5th, 2010, 6:19pm--I love you so so so so much kasey lynn more than anything in the warld more than the sky or the water or the ground between you are the one for me
January 31st, 2010, 3:11pm--DId i mention that i love you with all of my heart k?
February 13th, 2010, 11:51pm--I love you too beautiful with all of my heart. Happy valentines day k you are the only one i will ever want
April 20th, 2010, 12:30am--I know but i promise i will not forget. I have a wonderful beautiful girlfriend, its just not a possibility
Now for some comments. First of all, all of these are very sweet and romantic, emphasizing the fact that John loves me. And yet, now that we are together, and have been for 9 months now...that doesn't seem to be happening as much, if at all. Also, these say how I am the only one that matters, that I am the love of his life, that I am the only one he wants. If I'm the only one that you want, then why do I feel so unwanted? Ok not unwanted, but unimportant and meaningless at times. I want to be the one that is there for you all the time, but how can I do that when you don't let me in? "I want to see whats going on in your head and i want to tell you wahts in mine". Ok what? You hardly tell me anything, and when you do, it's usually something silly and you are making fun of me. You tell me that none of this stuff bothers you, how does it not? What does bother you? How can I make more of an impact on your life so that you can feel? Please for the love of god tell me. I want to feel that you love me. I want to know that you love me. I want to feel strongly about this like I did when I was at school. Is that it? You want a long distance relationship? A relationship of convenience? Because if that is so, tell me so I can make that happen for you.
Sigh...ok that was a little harsh but I am being completely open and honest. I am probably going to get in trouble for that later but right now, it feels right to do it.
*Tonight, my head is spinning. I need something to pick me up*
*Have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think of to say to you. But all you have to do is look at me to know that every word is true* I'm done I guess...hope this works
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