Sitting at work...

I have so much on my mind right now and I don't really have any other medium for this because the person I would talk to about this decided to go for a walk and then go to bed...so here I am blogging about it, hoping to clear my head or something.

I don't want to be in school anymore. I don't want to be here, I don't want to go to classes, I don't want to do anything but be home and enjoy the beautiful weather and be with my family and my loved ones. I don't want to go to stupid classes that won't really get me anywhere in life. I'm sorry but I don't think I need to know what the integral of a random figure is to get me anywhere in chemical engineering. sigh...I'm so worried about myself. I'm so worried that I'm not going to cut it, that I won't be able to do well enough no matter how hard I try. I am terrified that I am going to be the biggest screw up in the history of my family. I mean, I'm already not graduating in 4 years like most of the other people I know, and I'm not really in my field because I can't fucking get my grades up. I just...I don't know what else to do. I try everything and I'm really not good enough. I mean, am I destined to work at wegmans for the rest of my life? I was so successful in high school and then everything blew up on me in college. How is that fair? How does that work? I mean, I really don't want to end up working in the deli for the rest of my life...but lately I feel like that's all I'm good for :(

And then there is my Bradley. I am such a mess right now. I am so madly in love with him, like so madly and deeply in love with him. But I feel like I am just screwing everything up. I mean, it's getting kinda hard because the time we have for each other is truly dwindling. I mean, I have all these plans and thoughts for what we can do all summer long together...and now I don't even know if I should think about those plans. There are concerts I want to go to, little trips I want us to go on, things I want us to do together...and I don't know if I should make these plans or keep these thoughts in my head. But I can't get all depressed about that because it will just push us apart and I really don't want to do that. I don't want us to be not 100% happy and everything because of my worries. I just can't help it ya know?

sigh...i'm just a big mess right now and i have the worst cabin fever and no time to go outside in the sun. And I'm getting all sorts of down on myself and trying really hard to look forward to things but it doesn't last very long.

If you have any suggestions as to what I should do for myself, feel free to let me know...I think I'm done for now and I'm gonna get out of here. night...