sigh...ok so i think i screwed up this time. like big time. and i'm not really sure how to fix it without making things worse or being annoying...and i think i need to reach out for help.
so here's the deal...i'm not high maintanance, i don't need much to make me happy. i want a guy who thinks about me when we aren't together. i want a guy who sends me love letters (or emails) and who spoils me, who thinks of me above all else. i don't want a guy who smothers me, who always has to be attached to my hip, but i want one who likes it when he is. i want a guy who wants to spend time with me, whether it's going out on the town, or just hanging out watching tv/movies. i want a guy who likes being around my family, who chooses to hang out with them, who gets along with them well, and who doesn't mind when the craziness takes over. i want a guy who likes to cuddle, whether i am in his arms or he is in mine (the latter is really cute). i want a guy who plays with my hair, who kisses my neck, who carresses my skin, who does the little things, who focuses on the little things, who enjoys focussing on the little things.
not to much to ask for right? or maybe i'm wrong. i don't really know, i have never really been good at judging these things. anyways, so i have a guy who i am madly in love with. like really truly deeply completely in love with, on a level i have never loved before. here is the catch...he is a lot different from any other guy i have dated. he is a real person...out of college, real job, all that jazz. anyways...he kinda splits on the whole what i want thing. he is really good with my family, he doesn't need to be attached to my hip, he has a tendency to cuddle with me-usually me being in his arms. he tells me he thinks of me when we are apart, and i do believe him, but i don't think it's the same like i do about him. i don't mind that he is different, i don't mind that he doesn't meet all of my preferences because no guy ever will...i just, i don't know.
i worry that i am doing something wrong. i worry that i am screwing this up, pretty hardcore. i worry that i am pushing him away because i get worked up a lot and annoyed a lot and upset a lot, but i shouldn't. i have this tendency of not expressing when i am upset about something until after the fact...through email or text messages. this is not a good thing, and usually leads to problems. the last few days especially we have been "arguing" about my unhappiness or his inability to please me, or stuff that i really shouldn't be worried about yet. i don't really know what i should do. i don't want to push him away, i really don't. i think that what we have is special, it's real. but i can't keep doing this...i can't keep pushing and being this way. it's not all him, it's not all me...it's just where we are ya know? it's hard because we're doing this long distance thing, and he is so extremely busy, like to the max, i just don't know what to do. i should be happy that we are actually trying, that we have it in us to make this happen. because we really do...but there needs to be effort from both sides, and i just don't know if that's going to happen.
i have faith...in him, in us, not so much in myself. that's where the problems arise. i'm afraid that i am not going to be able to hold out. i want to, i want to so bad, but i am afraid that this summer is going to be a lot of failed plans and a lot of lonely nights for me. no...it won't be that way, it can't be that way. i finally have a guy that i have wanted for so long, one who can take me places and go out and do things with me and who wants to...he told me he wants to do all the fun things this summer that i told him i want to do...i believe him. i have to believe him. i have to have faith and be strong and hold out. i can, i know i can...i mean i came this far right?
so here is where you come in...what do i do? how can i help myself? what do i do to make this better? how can i make this better without pushing him away? without screwing this up completely and losing the one person who matters most to me?
anything you could do to guide me is appreciated. thanks :-\
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