Sweetness did you believe in this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfAwnyEehYU

Ok so wow, i can't focus on my studying which is completely fine because I can find other things to do, but seriously? What is going on with my mind tonight??

First off, I am like completely craving Godiva chocolate, but not just any Godiva chocolate...back when I was with Drake, aka my first bf, aka the psycho...for Valentine's day he got me this huge box of chocolate...it was all white chocolate and it was fucking delicious. I mean there were solid white chocolate pieces, some were swirled with regular chocolate, and my absolute favorite were the ones filled with the strawberry stuff. idk if it's jelly or what but it was fantastic...so anyways im like completely craving these because i've been drinking nothing but water the last two days because i'm doing this "crash diet" sorta thing (more on that later) and I want sugar. All I can think about are these chocolates, but like...my mind wanders off to thoughts of him. Why was I with him? What the hell was I thinking?

Moving on to the next thing, I'm all over facebook tonight because like I said, i can't focus on my studying. So i keep refreshing the page to see what new stuff pops up on my stalker feed. Well unfortunately enough, a post from John Bowie just popped up, well not really a post from him but he was tagged in an album (i need to look into the whole not having these people's stuff pop up on my page). Anyways so I clicked them to see what he was up to because I did like his friends, well I liked Erik...he was awesome. Anyways so the one picture I look at, he is wearing that horrible white t-shirt with the Steelers star things on the back. Funny thing, I remember Zak calling him out on not knowing what they were lol. Anyways, so I remember him wearing that shirt when we were together. I hated that!!! Omg, I hated his fashion sense. I remember asking myself then, what the hell!?!?!? I mean he had decent clothes but he would wear this gross white t shirt. It's not that the shirt was that bad but um...how do i put this nicely...i don't wear white t shirts because i'm a big girl and we shouldn't do that...i'll leave it at that. Ok so moving on, now my mind is racing with stupid thoughts some more. What the hell was i thinking? I mean I didn't like so much about him/us/the relationship that was...and yet I was in it for almost 2 years. Holy shit! What the fuck was i doing? Why did I drag it out so long? What was I thinking??

Then there's Brad...oh Brad...where do I begin? He was the hero that I needed, the reason I needed...and yet it was all for not. Well ok, I got out of something horrible but then walked into something else almost as bad. And he was so perfect...i mean...too good to be (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TF6Sk7Hn01g). And I just didn't see it coming. I mean...I truly thought, for the first time in my entire life, that this could have truly been it. Obviously I was mistaken because obviously actually wanting to spend time with your significant other is not ok when you're in a relationship. Actually putting your significant other above say your stupid bike that is a piece of crap, or your car which even though it's beautiful and fantastic inside isn't worth it, or hell maybe that drum corps that even though you tell me you aren't going to march, you do anyways, and before you march you do everything but to keep it going because apparently it's all up to you to fix everything. Without you the corps will fold and you are the one who can make people want to be involved and find a way so people aren't charged 600 bucks just to march and end all the bull shit. Hm...how do I say this nicely? FUCK THAT GAME, you can't save them, that corps is doomed to fail because statesmen is 100x better and have better commitments and don't charge 600 bucks a person!!!!! Yet I digress, so wanting to be with your significant other was a big problem for him so obviously we were doomed...but he didn't have the balls to just break it off with me. No instead he decides I'm going to say we need to take a break, keep her hanging on for weeks, not speak to her at all even though we are involved in THE SAME FUCKING GROUPS (aka GMB), and act like nothing happened. Oh but it did, and the fact that everyone else saw it...oh buddy...so i did what I had to do and broke it off. I didn't want to keep waiting and ya know what, I wanted to try and enjoy myself. I killed myself all summer though, trying so hard to be the stronger person...and i think i did a damn fine job...but seriously?? Then I find out about Allie? and the whole Irene business? And Marisa? Fuck You man! You are gonna be a sad lonely old man who had a chance at greatness, cuz let's face it, i'm the best you've ever had and ever will have, and you fucking blew it.

Wow...that got really nasty just now, can you tell I'm angry about this? Although at the moment I'm not really angry, I just like to let my fingers type and see what comes out. It's kinda cool how that happens. Some people can do that with writing. They like separate themselves from reality and let their hand go...i can't do that, but i can with typing. Hell i was listening to Ricky freak out about Urbanek, not even looking at the keyboard or the screen, had no idea what i was typing, and this is what happens....how cool is that?

I'm gonna try and be more positive now, but I need new music. Bayside is my emo guilty pleasure band that makes me feel good when I'm depressed. Wow my music on my work computer sucks....laptop here i come (ps that was the best thing about my relationship with Brad..i got a laptop out of it, it's a piece of shit but it gets the job done). Ok all better...now where was I?

Oh yea I was going to be more positive. Have I told you how happy I am? Lol I know it's hard to believe after all that madness up there but it's true. I am in love with an awesome, wonderful, fantastic guy and he is everything I could have ever wanted. Funny story, this is the second time around for us...and it couldn't be better (well Idk, Babe, could it be better? Please tell me). I mean, everything is just so great with us. We both love spending time with each other (awesome), actually want to spend time with each other (shocker!), and have fun when we do. I mean what more do you need? Oh how about he gets along really well with my family, like my mom has been ecstatic that we are back together, hell she was ecstatic when we started talking again. And how about he comes to buffalo for no reason, on random occasions, just to be with me? Not enough for you? How about my friends who just met him think he is awesome and friended him on facebook??? I'm always the one who does that but not this time (maybe that's because most of the people he is friends with I knew from the first time around and stayed friends with on facebook, maybe not). Still not enough? How about this...when I look into his eyes, I know I am safe, I am home, and I am loved unconditionally. That should be more than enough to convince you that this is legitimate. It's so awesome, I mean I haven't been this happy in God only knows how long. I mean sure I was happy before, but this is different. It's really special and I hope he knows that. I hope he knows how in love with him I am, and how truly sorry I am for what happened way back when. But i know in my heart that if we hadn't gone through all that, we wouldn't be here today. I mean when we broke up i remember saying "If we're meant to be, then we will be" and here we are...3 years later...and we are we again (Yes I know i used we twice, it's not a typo). I really hope this is it...I really hope he is the one...i feel like he is, i really want him to be...and know i could see myself with him in 10, 20, 50, 100 years (if i make it that far lol).

Wow...i've been working on this post for an hour...damn i ramble a lot. Oh so I was going to explain my "crash diet" that's not really a diet but i'm acting like it is anyways. So remember how i was trying to lose weight over the summer and i lost like 20 pounds? Well when I came to school i got really lax about it because i've been so crazy busy and never home to cook and what not and am always on the go...i've put most of the weight back on and im pissed. This week while I was home, i really started to notice it. I got my haircut and my neck looks so fat, and i feel fat when im in my bathing suit (that could be because it's like 4 years old and is too small in the chest area). I'm sick of me...i don't like it. So before christmas i'm trying to lose some of this weight. I mean it's december 1st so I have a couple weeks. The last two days I have drank nothing but water...i know that's not necessarily healthy either but it hasn't gotten old yet so im gonna ride this out. I'm back on my slim fast shakes (which i need to get more of), and im eating more fruit and what not. Working on the less carbs, a lot less carbs thing. God I hope this works. i need to go to the gym....i wish there was another just 2 hours in the day that i could devote to the gym...cuz i totally would because i need my metabolism to get jump started again.

Good lord i need to do something else...i should go back to studying. I'm kinda trying really hard to kill time until John gets out of class. He was doing a group teaching thing and I totally don't want to interrupt (ps that's who im with now if you didn't get that memo....John Knapp, and he's amazing). i mean how bad would it look if his phone went off while he was teaching. I'm sure its on vibrate but i dont want to risk it....

sigh well i guess i'll get back to school work, that was a fun hour...well spent i think. Talk to you soon :)